A Growing Love

For those of you who didn't know, this pregnancy wasn't exactly planned. And for those of you who really know me, you can just imagine how I first handled finding out that something happened without my "OK". Yes, I am a control freak!

Ava was planned to come exactly when she came.....in mid-June because the school year would be over and I would have the whole summer off with her. Seth was planned in August. I would have the remainder of the summer with him and would take the beginning of the school year off. Seth's birth did not happen according to plan, but I adapted well. This pregnancy, however, was not in the plans at all! I never would have planned and coordinated a January baby! Poor baby!

I must be in control and in charge at all times. Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way! God definitely has a sense of humor.....

I knew that I was pregnant when I was late. My body is like me......it's in control. I'm never late. Brian, however, wasn't so sure. He said, "You're not pregnant.....You're just under a lot of stress!" 'Whatever, Brian,' I thought. 'I know my own body! But I'll humor you and wait a week or so before I take a pregnancy test.'

Meanwhile, I was stressing out big time! I only wanted two kids. I know that sounds selfish, but that had always been my plan. Brian has only ever wanted more than two. (How on earth he won, I don't know. I always win!) I told him that we didn't have to do anything drastic and permanent until after Ava was in school and then we could decide whether or not to call it quits. If we waited until Ava was in school, if we did decide to have any more children, we wouldn't have to worry about the financial expense of three in daycare.

A week and a half later, I couldn't wait anymore. I had to prove to Brian that I was right. I had one leftover home pregnancy test from the time Seth was conceived that was sitting in my medicine cabinet. (I have to add that it was technically expired, but I didn't care. I had to take it.) I told Brian and peed on the stick, even though I had to leave for a meeting in 45 minutes. He was sort of laughing at me because he didn't think it was going to amount to anything. Three minutes late, "Pregnant" showed up on the screen. "Brian!.......I'm pregnant!," I cried. And yes, I was literally crying. I couldn't stop! This had happened without my "OK" and I was terrified! How could this have happened?! Brian, however, was thrilled, even though he, too, was in shock.

For the next 24 hours, I was in shock and upset. On top of it all, I was upset that I was reacting this way about finding out I had a new life living inside of me. How selfish could I possibly be?! I prayed about it and soon found an unexplainable peace about it all. The Holy Spirit brought me back to my life verse, which is Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV): "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord. 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." That was it...... He is in control and I know that He wants to bless us with this new baby.

Since then, I have been growing more and more in love with this baby, whom I don't even know. These past few weeks, particularly, I have found myself mooning over my belly. Baby is moving frequently and I am really connecting with him or her, just as I did with Ava and Seth. Pregnancy, in spite of all the discomfort, is amazing and beautiful, and I am so blessed to be able to experience it again for the third time!